i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
