What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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