Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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