Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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