We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
