I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
