trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
