yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
