you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize