Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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