i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
