when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
