Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
