Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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