I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
