Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize