I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
