I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
