if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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