how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
