That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
