Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
