Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
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