All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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