I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize