Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
