I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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