We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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