I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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