My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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