My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
