got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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