Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
