So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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