I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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