go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
