You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Oh god it's open bar.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize