I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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