He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
