I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
