Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
