I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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