Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
