just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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