K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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