Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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