Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
