please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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