You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
We're too hungover to prance.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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