Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
