life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
