I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
