I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
