my phone needs a breathalizer
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
