I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
