If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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