Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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