Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
