one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
