so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
