I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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