my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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