she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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