I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
