she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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